It’s so quiet at work… 2 people in our department are out due to weddings. One is in Florida for her cousin’s wedding. The other is now headed to the Dominican Republic to be married. We had a breakfast for her yesterday… a low key bridal shower.
It’s not hard to get caught up in her excitement… she’s been telling us of her wedding day plans since she started working here in February. It makes me kind of wistful though. I remember my excitement when Rick and I married almost 15 years ago (we lived together and had our kids first). The wedding was small and intimate, mostly because we had very little money and time to prepare. We wanted to be married while Rick’s mom was visiting from Puerto Rico. Father Jones, who was St Mary’s pastor at the time, gave us 2 week’s notice because he was leaving on vacation. Still, with Mom’s help (Rick’s not mine), I put together a nice reception in our tiny, cramped apartment, complete with a lopsided 2 layer wedding cake which I baked and decorated with the words "The Best Things In Life Are Worth Waiting For". That was Rick’s idea which he got from a commercial… it was for beer I think… LOL.
I thought I’d cry at my wedding… instead I had a stupid shit eating grin the whole time. In retrospect, I should have paid attention to Jason who was 3 years old at the time. When Father Jones asked if anyone knew of a reason why the wedding shouldn’t take place, Jason cried out "Noooooooooo". The kid’s a psychic, I tell ya…. LOL.
It wasn’t all bad… there were years when we were happy or at least thought we were. However, I was an insecure young woman with very low self esteem and Rick manipulated that to his advantage… not a good basis for a lasting marriage. Still I don’t regret being with Rick for 2 reasons… Clara and Jason. I can’t imagine my life without them.
I can’t help but wonder… was that my one and only shot at a life long relationship? Considering how it turned out, I hope not. Considering how I honored my vows and did my best to be a good wife while he cheated and eventually left our kids, it doesn’t seem fair. I want a good, solid, loving relationship.
It’s said that for everyone there is someone. Is there someone out there who will want to spend the rest of his life waking up next to me and with whom I’ll want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to? Perhaps I shouldn’t dwell on this too much. It’s depressing to consider the alternative… waking up and growing old alone.
Fatty Rants & Raves (aka Rising from the Ashes) 